I’ve been worrying a lot lately. I think I’m actually making myself sick worrying so much. So I decide to make a list of each of my worries and then examine each of them. An optimist once said, “If life gives you lemons, squeeze the shit out of them, add some water and sugar, and find a way to sell it so you can make some money
.” Well maybe that’s not how the saying goes, but I’m not going to worry myself to death about it. Let’s see if we can spin some of my worries into positives before my head explodes.Wild Bill’s list of lemons:Gas prices are high.Illegal aliens are invading America.Iran wants to destroy Israel and America.Iran might have nuclear weapons.America is becoming a socialist nation.The government steals about 50% of my income through taxes.Who is going to be the next American Idol?Let’s make some lemonade:
What are your lemons and how can we turn them into lemonade?
- Gas prices are high. Why should we worry about high gas prices? I mean isn’t that why we elected our leaders in Washington. Let them worry. I’ve got better things to do.
We should trust our government when they tell us that the real reason gas prices are high is because the greedy gas companies are gouging us. Those greedy oil executives have no right to make a buck. The government should take control of the gas companies. Venezuela took control of all the gas companies in their country and look how well that has worked out. And besides why should we pay for what we use when we can force people to give it to us for free?
- Illegal aliens are invading America. First “aliens” is such a negative word. How about illegal immigrations? That sounds better, but what if we stop calling immigrants illegal. Illegal just sounds so mean; undocumented is a much better word. Undocumented immigrants, now we’re getting somewhere, but we can make it even sweeter. There are many racists in this country, (conservatives) and they hate immigrants. Immigrants come here to work. What if we call them workers? Undocumented workers, that’s all they are.
Next invading, that sounds bad. The dictionary defines invade as to enter by force in order to conquer or pillage. This isn’t an invasion, undocumented workers are not here to conquer or pillage. How can they be here to conquer? The pamphlet I got at the peaceful immigrant rally the other day said that most of America is really Mexico anyway.
Undocumented workers are just coming home and what kind of hate mongers are we not to welcome them home with open arms. If anything all white people should go back to Europe. Now that is some tasty lemonade.
- Iran wants to destroy Israel and America. Why in the hell should I get my panties up in a bunch about Israel? That’s a long way from America. If Iran destroys Israel and pushes all the Jews into the ocean I still have bills to pay. I bet if we just leave Iran alone they will start to like us again. Global warming is much more important than some petty squabble in the Middle East. I’m sure if we just talk more with Iran we’ll find out that we have a lot in common. Like Rodney King said, “Can’t we all just get along?”
- Iran might have nuclear weapons. And why shouldn’t they? America has nukes. I’m pretty sure we have some just laying around on some evil warmongers desk at the Pentagon. Why don’t we just FedEx a few of our nukes to Iran, then we will know for sure that Iran has nukes and we won’t have to worry anymore about whether they do or don’t? I feel better already.
- America is becoming a socialist nation. This one really had me worried. Socialism has failed everywhere it has been tried, so I did a little research to see why that is. It seems that the reason socialism has always failed is because it was never done right. If America does one thing good it’s fixing things that are broke, so I know that if any country is going to do socialism right it’s going to be the USA. The greatest thing about socialism is that we will all have to agree before anything gets done. Think of all the things we can do when we all agree. I think someone spiked my lemonade.
- The government steals about 50% of my income through taxes. I think I solved this problem with #5. We just need socialism, and then I can choose not to work, which means I won’t have a paycheck that will be taxed!
Socialism will get rid of the government and we won’t have anyone telling us what to do. Socialism will provide everything I need. There will be no leaders in a true socialist society, we will all be equally
miserable happy. Lemonade for everyone, but I’d rather not make it.
- Who is going to be the next American Idol? Now that I’ve eliminated all of my other worries I can become completely consumed in what is really important, “Who will be the next American Idol?” I think it should be Chris, but now that we are all happy little socialist we must vote unanimously. And while I’m waiting for us all to agree, I think I’ll have another slightly euphoric glass of lemonade. Hey, who is the wise-ass that filled my glass with Kool-Aid?