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Monday, February 06, 2006

"Brokeback Mountain" Survival Guide for Heterosexual Men™

The Sanfransicko Chronic has an article MALE CALL Tips for getting over the “Brokeback” hump or GAY MALE CALL, Tips for getting humped “Brokeback” style. First they try to convince you that your female companion will give you some if you go see the movie "Bareback Mounting".
You have the potential to look so sensitive that you can probably get her to pay for the movie and a trip to Red Lobster. Add a few tears near the ending…and you might be surprised where the evening takes you. Think make-up sex is great? Try some you-just-took-me-to-"Brokeback Mountain" sex.

The reason why straight guys are not going to see this movie is because we don’t want to think about "Brokeback Mountain sex."

Next they try a guilt-trip but it’s not your fault (victomhood) trick.
I don't think any of these people are homophobic -- I just think there's some kind of weird latent childhood peer-pressure thing going on with this movie. It's almost as if you're under a spell, reinforced by years of conflicting televised gay stereotypes and manly cowboy imagery.

You know you are a homophobe, but if you go see this movie it will prove to everyone that you are at least trying not to be a homophobe. Also if you go see “Bareback” then it’s not really your fault that you are a homophobe.

Next they offer up a few steps that will help you be a more tolerant homophobe.
Step 1: Accept your shortcomings. Considering that most of us were brought up in an era of intolerance, fear-mongering and David Lee Roth videos, it's miraculous that guys aren't even more screwed up in the head. Your skittishness over this movie has a lot to do with the degree to which society has failed you. But there is still some good in your heart.

Remember straight mean are just “screwed up in the head.” You don’t want to be “screwed up in the head” do you? So you had better get your cute Homophobic ass down to the gay porn theater and see this movie, because society has failed you. If you go see this movie then that will prove that you still have “good in your heart.”

But if your hatemongering homophobia has not entirely been guilted out of you by this part of the article, here is some more useful advice.
Step 3: Don't sit next to each other. If you went to "Brokeback" skittish in the first place, and if you're starting to feel aware of how much your friend looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, the seating arrangement may be crucial. Sit in every other seat -- or every three seats if the theater is big enough. If you've followed Step 2, you and your friends should have created sort of a checkerboard effect in the theater, with no two men able to touch each other without getting out of their seats.

Leaving a seat between you and your other straight guy friend is what I like to call "The I’m not a fag seat!"

And finally the gay agenda of this article hits its high point.
Step 5: Watch gay porn. OK, stay with me on this one. How do great athletes such as Jerry Rice and Oscar de la Hoya make themselves stronger for game day? They train on hills at high altitudes, so a level playing field seems like nothing by comparison. Doesn't it follow that if you're planning to see "Brokeback Mountain" on a Saturday, you should watch some hardcore guy-on-guy porn the night before? Perhaps something in the Western gay porn genre ("Heatstroke" is a nice place to start).

Watch gay porn, it’s really just common sense. Are you fucking kidding me? One of the things that is universally true about heterosexual men (besides the fact that we only have sex with women) is the fact that we don’t have any desire to watch gay porn. That is another reason why we do not want to watch “Bareback Mounting.”

And what is the real problem here? Why of course its YOU!
All this time you thought you were part of the problem. Who knew that seeing a movie about two gay men could make you feel like an even bigger man?

By this point in the article the author hopes he has made you feel so guilty about being a hatemongering homophobe that you’ll run to your nearest gay porn store, call your poker buddies, go see “Bareback Mounting” and finish the night in an orgy at a gay bathhouse. And some people say there is no gay agenda in Hollywood.

I have the best "Brokeback Mountain" Survival Guide for Heterosexual Men™ tip of all, don’t spend your money on gay propaganda.


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