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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Moonbats in Space, Episode 2

Moonbats in Space
Episode 2: Crack for the Drones
Part 1

On the left side of the galaxy far far away from reality...

After planet Moonbat was destroyed by a terrorist attack, Earth launches a probe to search for survivors. Scanners indicate a faint signal emanating from a cell phone near what used to be planet Moonbat. Earth has dispatched a starship to determine the source of the signal and rescue any survivors...

Captain’s Blog, Star date 0531.2306, I’m relaxing in my cabin after taking command of the USS Embellisher. This is my first mission as a Federation Captain. Hopefully my crew knows what to do, because I have no idea what I’m doing. I hope I don’t get anyone killed. That would be bad.

*quack* *quack*

Captain: “Computer!”
A voice that sounds something like Stephen Hawking screaming into a trashcan answers,
Computer: “YES CAPTAIN!”

(Read more!)

Captain: “What the heck is that stupid duck sound? I have been hearing it for the past two hours.”
Captain: “Oh ok, I thought that there was a duck somewhere in my room, no wonder I couldn’t find it. Computer, how do I answer the intercom?”
Computer: “SAY HELLO.”
Captain: “Thank you computer, go back to what ever it is you do.”

*quack* *quack*

Captain: “Hello.”
Sounding annoyed Commander Skerdog’s voice fills the room, “Well it’s about time, I’ve been trying to contact you for about two hours. Do you have time to be the Captain of this vessel or should I just make all of the decisions, sir?”
Captain: “Sorry, I thought you were a retarded duck.”
Commander Skerdog: “A retarded duck sir?”
Captain: “Never mind, what can I do for you Commander?”
Commander Skerdog: “Sir, we have arrived at what used to be the location of planet Moonbat, sensors indicate the signal is coming from some sort of a primitive shuttle craft.”
Captain: “Alright I’m on my way to the bridge. Captain Wild Bill OUT!”
Commander Skerdog: “Out sir?”
Captain: “Never mind, I heard that on a TV show, I thought it might make me sound cool. I’ll be right there.”

Wild Bill makes his way to the bridge. As the bridge doors open he is greeted by the Chief Medical Officer Dr. House.

Dr. House: “What seems to be the problem Captain? You have this confused look on your face. Do you have gas or is that how you always look?”
Captain: “Well I do have gas but, this is the face I always make.”
Dr. House kicks Wild Bill in the sack and says, “There, I cured the stupid look on your face and by the smell I’d say you no longer have gas. Now why don’t you stop clutching your balls and pretend to be the Captain of a Federation Star ship or I could tap your left nut with my cane until you resign your commission.”
Captain: “That won’t be necessary Dr. House, if you could just show me to my chair, and get some air freshener I had Mexican food for lunch.”

Wild Bill limps to his seat and says, “Do we have a visual on the shuttle craft?”
Commander Skerdog: “Yes we do Captain, and may I say thank you for joining us? Also will you permit me to speak freely Captain?”
Captain: “Permission granted Commander Skerdog.”
Commander Skerdog: “Whatever it is that you ate for lunch, I think it would be a good idea that you never eat it again. It smells like Arianna Huffington’s breath.”
Captain: “Agreed! Can we get back to exploring the galaxy now?”
Commander Skerdog: “Awaiting your orders sir.”
Captain Wild Bill makes a funny hand gesture and says, “On plasma screen!”

Moonbat VW Bug shuttle craft

Captain: “That has to be the most retarded looking shuttle craft I have ever scene! I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead flying around the galaxy in that thing. Can someone please fire a blaster at that thing so I don’t have to look at it anymore?”

A big headed pointy eared robot guy with glasses pushes a few buttons on the control panel in front of him, then says, “Captain, that is not a shuttle craft, I believe it is a Volkswagen Beetle and I am reading one life sign inside.”
Captain: “Are you serious and who in the hell are you?”
Robot Geek Dude: “I am your Chief Techno-Geek, Lieutenant Glenn Reynolds.”
Captain: “Well Lieutenant Reynolds thanks for your input, but I am the Captain around here. Do you see the four stars here on my collar?”
Lieutenant Reynolds: “Yes sir I can see your four stars, but..."
Captain: “And how many stars do you have there on your pocket protector?”
Lieutenant Reynolds: “Two stars sir.”
Captain: “Good, so can we agree that I get to decide what gets blown up and you get to sit their in you average chair and tap on that keyboard and pretend to actually be doing something?”
Lieutenant Reynolds: “Yes sir, but...”
Captain: “But, but, but, do you have a butt fetish or something?”
Lieutenant Reynolds: “No sir, I am trying to remind you that we have been sent on a rescue mission to search for survivors, and it’s kind of hard to rescue someone if we shoot them with a blaster.”
Captain: “Alright Mr. Know-it-all, if you were Captain what would you do?”
Lieutenant Reynolds: “I would try to make contact with the life form inside of the VW and then lock on a tractor beam and bring the VW into the shuttle bay.”
Captain: “Why didn’t someone tell me we have a tractor beam? Those things are so cool! Alright Lieutenant Geek boy, send a message to the dorky Beetle looking thingy and then fire up that tractor beam and drag that heap of junk into shuttle bay 1. Alright people let’s get’r done. Dr. House, guy without a name tag, and hot Asian girl with the nice rack, please accompany me to shuttle bay 1. Commander Skerdog you have the bridge. Try not to blow anything up while I’m gone, that’s my job.”

(To be continued!)

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