You are not a LOSER

by Wild Bill From the deep dark hole in his mind     This is where you will write the best story you have ever written. You are a wonderful person and dog gone it, people like you. So what if you’re 32 and still live with your mother. Who cares if you still cannot tie your shoes. Einstein was the smartest person in the world and he could not tie his shoes. Do not listen to the snickering of others. They’re just jealous because they have to pay rent and your mom doesn’t charge you rent. What does it matter that you can not invite your friends over because of your mother’s episodes? Big deal that the two girlfriends you’ve had in your life dumped you when they found out that your mother makes you where a diaper at night so you don’t wet the bed. It’s their fault they don’t understand. Besides no woman will ever hold a candle to your mother. She is the most wonderful woman in the universe.     Back to the topic at hand, your story. There are many topics you can cover. You can write about world peace. You can write about how the war was for oil. You can write about mean people that sneak up behind you and tape a kick me sign to your back. Write about what it feels like to be pushed down a flight of stairs. Or describe what an atomic wedgie feels like. Tell your story. Explain how Gene Rodenberry was a god. Contrast and compare the X-Men movie to the X-Men comic book. Write a review on your favorite original Star Trek, Star Trek the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, or Enterprise episode. The sky’s the limit. Go where no man has gone before. Paint a picture with your words about the time you stood in line for two hours to get Patrick Stewart’s autograph at the 1998 annual Star Trek convention in Roswell New Mexico. OH OH OH, write about the governmental cover-up in Roswell. You’ve seen the pictures and there’s no way they where faked.     You’ve gotten off topic again. Remember that they will send black helicopters after you again if you write about aliens. Calm down. Collect your thoughts. Remember your happy song. Sing it to yourself now. “I love you, you love me, I love Gene Rodenberry, with a photon torpedo and a phaser blast from me to you, won’t you say you love Gene Rodenberry too?” There don’t you feel better? Ok, stop listening to that voice in your head that keeps screaming HELP HELP.     You’re not gay. No matter what the people that point at you say. You like women. Hell you even plan on having sex someday. You just haven’t heard back from Xena the Warrior Princess yet. Probably because of the restraining order. Just because you have a Justin Timberlake English folder, that does not make you gay. Justin writes great music and does some really hot good moves. Fight the urge to go to the bathroom, mama says doing that will make you go blind.     All right, you have a story to write. Did Stan Lee suffer from writer’s block when he wrote Spider-Man? Hell (mama doesn’t like that word) Heck no! People will read this story. You are not a LOSER.