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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Blogger Biography: Frank J. from IMAO

As a tribute for The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up, I thought what better way to celebrate the life of Frank J. than to present the unauthorized Biography of the master of political humor.

Frank J. monkey boy
Frank was born under a highway overpass to a one legged monkey that promptly declared, “I will call him Frank because he is shaped like a wiener and would taste great with some chili and cheese.” Little Frank was abandoned shortly after when it was discovered that he did not taste good with chili and cheese.

Frank J. monkey shaven
Frank spent the next 14 years living in dumpsters. Frank killed his first hippie on his 14th birthday, in a fight over a warm ketchup packet and a half eaten pizza crust. It was a hard fought battle that Frank won by confusing the hippie with a bar of soap. Frank was forced into exile and decided to change his appearance by shaving all of the hair from his body, he added a J after his first name, and took his first shower.

Bubble loses an eye
Frank J. cleaned up nicely enough to garner the attention of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. He hid out at the Neverland Ranch were he became a master in the ninja art of evasion, avoiding sexual advances from Michael and his pet monkey Bubbles who tried on numerous occasions but inevitably failed in his attempts to hump Frank’s leg. This is when Frank J. developed his obsession with punching all things ape like in their stupid faces.

Frank J. banana rage
It was March of 1993 and Frank J. had just finished his 4th bottle of Jesus Juice when Bubbles barged into Frank’s bedroom and threw a banana at his head. Normally Frank J. would have been able to avoid the flying fruit, but due to his inebriation the banana spilt against his skull. Bubble’s made his final advance and there was a millisecond of monkey genital to leg contact before Frank J. countered with a devastating uppercut that popped Bubbles eye from its socket. Frank J. began laughing manically as Bubbles searched desperately for his eye. Hearing the shrieking monkey noises and splitting laughter, Michael moon walked into the room, spun around, perched on his toes, and yelled, “Shamonin!” Seeing an opportunity to punch another monkey faced freak, Frank J. charged Michael and caught him with a blinding left right combination that flattened Michael’s nose. As the King of Pop curled into the fetal position clutching his broken nose, Frank J. had an epiphany. This is what I was put on this earth to do, punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces.

Frank J. the happy blogger
Frank J. spent the next few years learning to type with his stubby monkey fingers, and spent a summer in a circus sideshow as Frank J. the face punching monkey boy. Frank J. currently is the author of a hugely successful blog where he spreads his love for writing and his affinity with punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces.

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